Growing Back to My Young Self

Do you know what growing up did to me?

I stumbled across old FB notes I penned and thought "who is this pretty cool chick who has a big heart?". Not arrogantly. I simply admired her courage to write her beliefs, her ability to dream huge, and her I-don't-give-a-damn-what-others-think attitude. 

I liked her. 

Then I realized that she was ME. 

It seemed like a version of me from a parallel universe. I barely remember believing that openly or loving so fearlessly. 

What happened to me? 

I thought I was a dreamer, who would never "grow up" and would have the golden heart of a child.

I think it started at 15 when I began to believe the lie that I was ugly, chunky, and not good enough for anyone to love. It started when I picked up a razor and decided that cutting was the only way to cope with emotions that were too big for me. It started when I drove to a river and let thoughts of suicide torment me enough to drive there over and over. Wanting to die. 

It started when I let my beauty be numbed with lies like "You feel too deeply and no one can ever understand you". Or "No one would care if you died". "You wouldn't be missed at all". "Life would be better if you never were born". "Your family won't notice you've gone." 

Where did that imaginative girl go?

Did she shrivel up? Did she let her vast amount of emotions take her down? Did she DIE?

For amazing reasons and people in my life, I am still here today in one piece. But I wondered after reading those notes, did I allow years of pain to wound me too deeply to be the me God created?

I closed up and closed myself off emotionally for a long time; and it has taken a lot of work to come out of the shell of protection I made for myself. Pain caused me to fear vulnerability because I saw it as the catalyst to pain. And so I walled up.

But I keep seeing the spring sun shine over the walls I made and I want to go out and play. I want to be that young, spirited girl, who was uninhibited by life's ups and downs. I want to be HER again.

Writing this was certainly a way for me to open up and come out of that fog. That's why I started the tag "vulnerability" for posts. Some days I need to write from the depths of my heart and share with you, my dear readers. I hope this new posting style will encourage you, provoke a new way of thinking, and allow you to be vulnerable in your life as well. It can make us uneasy at times. But the great life lessons always start with unrest. It's how we grow.

Do you know what growing up did to me? I think it tried to knock me down for good. But thankfully I serve a God who doesn't let that unnerve him. And he made sure I am standing on my own two feet, ready to make someone laugh with my silly imagination.

Welcome back, dreamer.


How did growing up affect you?

Image via Nick Glimenakis

Girl Crush[es]

We all have them, girl crushes. Matchbook Magazine states it best, "that indefinable blend of adoration and envy that accompanies a crush on someone you kind of love, kind of hate, but above all want to be." I don't harbor malice toward any of the following ladies but I agree that there is a certain envy mingled in our adoration of girl crushes.

Hence, I am sharing my blogging girl crushes with you today [in no particular order]:

She's chic and gorgeous, Ms. Kelly Framel of The Glamorai. Her site looks as impeccable as she does. I love that she inspires us to be glamorous in the everyday.  

Alicia of Cheetah is the New Black is one of those bloggers that upon discovering her I thought, "she and I would be great friends." Not creepily, she just has a sweet way of seeming to be your best friend, exhibiting her great outfits and sharing cool advice.

This That Beauty's Felicia has a way of seeming like your chic older sister who shares her insider tidbits about products with you. It's as if she shares her products with you through the screen. And she's hilarious to boot.

If I could borrow have anyone's closet, it would definitely be Hanh's. Her blog Life in Travel allows us to view her stylish, avant garde outfits as she travels and picks up the zaniest pieces. She's like a more attainable Daphne Guinness.

My husband has to hear me constantly exclaim "Look what Jamie did!" I swear the adventures and concoctions she and Kelly dream up are a exactly how my friends Bri, Abigail, Jana and I live and breath our lives. We're dreamers people. I've haven't met her (yet!) but I know she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Plus she and her beau, Kevin, are adorable.

More than a blog, this magazine curated by Jane Lily Warren and Katie Armour is a Kate Spade meets Anthropologie "field guide" to the cleverest living possible. These ladies know how to make every post a visual meal dripping in deliciousness. Are you a matchbook girl? I am :)

I've interacted with Anna a few times and she is the kindest, most stylish lady out there. In a blogging world saturated with unoriginal style, Tulip Louise is a breath of fresh air. Her closet is bursting with unique pieces that she adeptly puts together in new and fresh ways. And she's a southern gal to boot! That automatically earns one points in my book.

These girls are just hilarious. That's really all I can say. Oh and they a have a sweetastic blog.

Lisa Eldridge is my makeup artist idol. She has a giving, teacher's heart which I admire and very much desire to be. She makes makeup application look effortless and somehow when she speaks (in her uber swell Brit accent) it feels like I could be the next her.  She is very encouraging! 

Marion is one of the most genuine bloggers I have come across to date. Honest and open she puts her life out there [why is that so frightening for me?] for giggles. She has great style-the girl knows how to rock her maternity body! She is one of those women that make me proud to be a woman. Oh, and you don't want to miss out on her "Moment of the Week" posts :).

There you have it! My personal blog roll is longer than this but these ladies are very special in my blog viewing world [That came out way less creepy in my head]. Who in the blog world inspires and challenges you, all the while making you a bit envious?


Mollie 

Gillette Castle Road Trip

{ Target jacket |  Grey Dog Vintage dress | TJ Maxx leather gloves (cut up by me) | TJ Maxx boots | lace head band (made by me) | thrifted Coach satchel | Piccadilly market ring } 

I took a much needed road trip with my new friends Samantha (view her sweet blog here), and Josh to Connecticut this week. After months of wedding planning, the actual wedding (it was splendid!), moving several states away, and getting accustomed to a new life, this was something I didn't realize how much I needed until it was over.

We stocked up on road trip goodies and drove through beautiful countryside to visit Gillette Castle and Lyman Orchards for apple picking and a run through their corn maze (disclaimer: we did NOT run, it was against the rules. Though I doubt that would have stopped us).

Of course Samantha and I made sure to look chic even in the face of muddy fields. I mean come on, a girl has to look good for pictures! And as stylists and creative professionals, you shouldn't expect anything less.

So cheers for new, stellar, and hilarious friends! God has blessed me immensely in just the one month I have lived in New York City.